Brace Face

I wrote a few posts back about Jacks tooth….then I got to thinking- in the Herold family it is the year of the teeth….Jacks teeth are falling out, Remys will probably fall out soon, Nate is getting teeth, Jay is getting his wisdom teeth out and me- I am getting braces for the SECOND time.

Did I wear my retainers? The answer is no. Not that it takes a genius to realize that if I am getting braces for the second time, I probably did not wear my retainers. Nonetheless, people LOVE to ask you that question. As though that explains everything and that I should feel very guilty that when I was a teenager I didn’t do what an adult told me. Unheard of.

So I am 35 now and by the end of the month I will be outfitted in braces. It takes a few appointments to get everything set up- some of you may remember- but for those of you who don’t or never went through it, let me sum it up for you:

Step 1- You make the decision to get braces.
Step 2- You pick an orthodontist.
Step 3- The billing person/insurance company breaks down the cost for you.
Step 4- You make a series of appointments.
Step 5- First Appointment- Records.
Step 6- Second Appointment- Braces on.
Step 7 plus- You get your braces tightened.
Step 20 or so- Humiliation ends. Braces off.

Step 5 is where I am now. The records. Sounds not so bad. It was.

I walk in. Every Rose Has a Thorn is playing. Is that the real title? No idea but it was a hit in my high school years. Hmmm, maybe I’m not actually 35 and getting braces for the second time. Maybe I am back in high school? Nope, I am 35 but its probably a bigger nightmare to be back in high school.

I mention to the assistant (assistant 1 we will call her) that I am reminded of high school.
Ha she laughs. This song reminds me of my husband. He lip synced to it for a talent show.
Man, she is nice. Starting to think it wont be so bad. I relax a bit.

You must be so excited to get braces she says.
Yes, I guess. I will be more excited when I get them off but I think pregnancy has helped me with my patience. Especially since I feel so ugly and disgusting during pregnancy. I am sure it will be the same with braces.

How does your husband feel about your braces?
He is tired of me complaining about my teeth for the past 10 plus years I say.
Right she says. I wish my husband would get braces but he says he doesn’t want people to call him “Brace Face”.
Brace Face? Really? She had to throw that in. I am starting to not like this lady.

It wont be so bad she says. Especially if you get the clear ones. There is a lady here who has them- if we see her, I will point her out.
Fine I think.

Later, we go to get xrays. There is someone in the room getting xrays already. An assistant (assistant 2) is helping her.
Oh great! my assistant says- this is who I was telling you about- she has the clear braces. Show her, she instructs the woman.
She flashes me a big huge smile. It is VERY Scary. I am reminded that my front lip will never stay down again. Ugh.

Assistant 2 and patient leave. Assistant 1 sets up the machines.
How long did the Dr tell you the braces would be on?
A year and a half I say. Meanwhile I am thinking that is much longer than the 6 months I was anticipating.
She tells everyone that she says.
Oh that’s good news I am thinking. Maybe I will be done in six months.
Its really always at least two years.
AT LEAST TWO. No way. I wont last.

Now more pictures. Take what looks like a shoe horn and stretch both sides of your lips- that is what I have to do. While I am doing that I need to look left- then right. To the left I am instructed to look at the flowers on the wall- to the right, SpongeBob. Reminded again that I am MUCH TOO OLD to be doing this.

Final step- Impressions. No one who has had this done forgets but let me detail for you.
Assistant one -Do you ever gag?
Yes, I say, sometimes.
Oh you better wait a minute she says.
She comes back with assistant 3. Assistant 3 instructs Assistant 1 to get the “ingredients” (for the impressions) and then approaches me with lots of paperwork.

Now that you will be getting braces, you automatically get moved into a “High Risk” dental category she says.
Ok fine.
Its no big deal. Its mostly because teenagers don’t take care of themselves as well as we would like. But you are an adult so you will be a better patient. For example, a teenager will eat dinner- turkey, mashed potatoes and broccoli- all will be stuck in the braces. Teenager doesn’t care. But you, you will want to check the mirror and see all that stuff and then go brush your teeth.
REALLY the entire meal will be in there- what am I doing?
So you will need to brush your teeth 6 times a day she says.
I don’t even have time to pee that often with three kids- but I guess I would rather do that than have the whole dinner in my teeth. Yikes.

Meanwhile I notice that she is wearing braces too. The silver ones- brave woman. With rubber bands!!! I assumed that those horrible things no longer existed. I better not need them.

Scan the paperwork. Something about a head gear.
OHHHH no, I am starting to feel sick. I assumed that those torture devices no longer existed either. I picture myself putting it on before bed and having Jay stare at me. Sigh.

Okay- I sign the paperwork. Lets just get this over with.

Now the impressions. She starts off telling me that she is placing a paper towel on my lap because it is normal to “Puke a little bit”.
Oh no oh no.
I have been doing this for 18 years and almost always get them done on the first try.
Great.

Here goes.
Breathe through your nose. Keep breathing, Keep breathing.
Gag.
Wiggle your toes. Not your feet- your toes. Keep breathing.
Gag. We have to take it out.
Its not hardened she says.
There is a joke in there somewhere but I am too miserable to laugh.

Repeat steps above. This time it works. Repeat again for bottom.

Now I notice that there is a Patrick (from SpongeBob) in front of me. He is drooling. That’s what I look like I think.

I get to leave. I think the humiliation is over. I get in the car. I have white impression gunk stuck on my nose. I wipe it off and don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I decide to laugh because next time I will have the braces on which will be worse.

Brace Face for One ½ to Two Years! I will certainly wear my retainers this time- you don’t even have to ask.


Pictured: NO PICTURE. You would have to be insane to think I would take a picture of this stuff. In fact, you can get use to seeing VERY far away pictures of me or none at all for awhile.